It's like I barely have faith in anything anymore. It's not a hasty generalization. My full embracing of the pragmatic paradigm I carry oh so proudly has caused the death of a big chunk of what made me who I am before, what made me interesting, what made me fun, what made me surprising, what made me quirky, what made me silly, what made me passionate, what made a little bit (that's underplaying it) out of this world. I've killed that part to become who I think I should be. But I wonder now, is it worth it? The change, the sacrifice, the consequence: the person I am right now.
Last night, I went out with Martin and Brian and his sister Louie to Metro Walk to have Martin's and Brian's fortunes told, or rather, to have a peak of what the stars have in store of them, to gain access to that elusive light the stars can give them, the seek a certain someone tapped by the cosmos to be some sort of gateway to the secrets of the universe. His name was August, and he was 30 minutes late from their midnight appointment.
Fastforward to 6am, when Martin and I were on our way home, it dawned on me that I've become a non-believer in most many things! I found it poetic that I thought of this at dawn. And as the faintest sunlight hit the road, that was when it occurred to me that my ego has been, for the longest time now, suffocating my id and thus, the imbalance I'm experience which comes to me in the form of restlessness, insecurity, jealousy, that feeling of inadequacy, that something is missing.
Outside of work, I've a rountinal life which is bad enough considering that my life in the office is routinal too. Nothing shocks me anymore. Yeah surprises here and there abound in our squared life inside our office which is literally fit into a square space, but nothing too extraordinary. And I long for that, and I hate it that I'm making my work my main life to the point that when I'm out of the office "having a life," I talk about my life in the office. That sucks. And I'm not pleased, no matter how much I love my work.
I want something new to talk about. I want to do something new. I want to meet new people and not continue to batter myself over my lack of friends in the office. I want a change in the system. I want to find a hobby. And I find the very idea of wanting to find a hobby weird since that should be the easiest thing! A hobby is something you enjoy, something you find interesting, something that keeps you awake and happy. I'm saddened that I don't know what should be my hobby.
Writing has always been a hobby. I used to keep a journal where I scribbled poetry, prose, essays, fiction, non-fiction, dear-diary moments, and all words in between, but ever since I've carved a career from this hobby, I don't know what else I should do and so, being with friends who've known me since grade school, Martin and Brian, jolt me out of the very square system I've trapped myself in. They jolt me and remind me that there's more out there to explore, that I need to once again open my mind and reconnect with the universe, and by universe, I refer to that time of uninhibition.
I need to return to Never Land, and the first step I need to take is to read my old journals in order to get to know myself again. Though forward is the direction we should be leading to, a look-back on the steps we took prior to where we stand on right now will serve as our compass. That's something new I will believe in.
